Monday, December 17, 2012

Transitioning

I've been struggling with how to write this article because it's very personal and very difficult.

It is tough at times being a spiritual shop owner and creator. You give a lot of yourself to the craft, not that you don't get it back, but you do give a lot of your time and your energy to it. It is enjoyable work to know that you're helping someone. Small business owners never take the time off that they need. Every day is an office day in one way or another; supply runs, networking, product photography, listings, packaging, post office runs, etc. I don't know what a vacation is. Even when I'm away from home I'm still wild harvesting, relisting, answering emails. The hard work is absolutely worth it because you reap what you sow. The harvest is always bountiful when you work your fingers to the bone. Even though I've had a recent bout of very nasty customers I still work hard. But I feel I need to change direction.

I am sick. My family is sick. My mother was very recently diagnosed with cancer, lymphoma specifically, and is currently undergoing aggressive chemotherapy. My father in law has end stage liver failure. I have postpartum depression, which pales in comparison but affects me still. I saw it coming but could do nothing to stop the deluge and have no avenue for the treatment I need.

My family needs my energy, my time, my soul, my heart. I do not have enough energy or time to give to everyone and everything, though I wish I did. My son needs me, and I give him nearly everything I have everyday, and so does my husband. I need myself. I need my own time, time to do things for me. Time to take true action. This is the change of direction I'm taking.

It is at this time, this darkening of the sky and sleeping of the world that I have decided to close my shop for an undetermined amount of time, perhaps permanently. At some point soon I might reopen to work through the supplies and perishables I have but there's no guarantee that I'll do that. I feel as though I don't have enough positive energy with which to imbue my products with so I'd rather create nothing at all then create a poor item. You cannot be a spiritual worker and not feel that a part of you doesn't go into every product you touch. Perhaps my situation will change, perhaps it won't. This is not to say I will never create again. I will always create for me, for my craft, for my family and friends. It's saying I'm currently unable to create under a mass scale. For now.

With this change in focus comes a new wave. I am focused now more than ever on finishing my degree and working on my children's books. It's what I've always wanted, yet strayed from so many times. Ask my preschool teacher, she'll tell you. I've always wanted to be an illustrator. My ultimate goal is to earn my MFA in Illustration and write some damn books. So I hope I can do it. Progress is slow, with little money for school and only a little time away from my baby. But I'll get there.

I'd like to thank those who've been supportive of my shop, the blessings you've bestowed upon me, and the praises you've sung. Thank you thank you thank you. I'll be seeing you soon.

5 comments:

Jackie said...

Thoughts are with you. Best of luck on the kid's books!

jennifer said...

I am new to your wares, but impressed with the craftsmanship and quality. You then must imbue everything you do with that same quality and dedication, I imagine. If you do not mind I will keep YOU in my prayers and workings. May you and your family enjoy peace, wellness and prosperity. You will be brilliant in all you do and the world looks forward to your children's books. Things now are tough, and I have no answers. That said, it is a privilege to hold your hand in the dark until we reach the light.
Love,
Jenn

Conjured Cardea said...

This is hard to hear honey. I didn't know what you were going through all this time. I suppose I should have encouraged you whether you were having a hard time not. Something we don't think about until we see someone needs it. Your wares and artwork are amazing, just like you. But to keep being amazing we need new facets which are only developed by the endless wearing and polishing given by life. It sounds like you are being polished to shine like a star. Best of luck in your endeavors and blessings of health to you and your family. ashe'.

Ratspé said...

beautiful dead things here

Eilis said...

Dear sweet Mama,

I hope you are doing better. I think about you often and send you positive, healing thoughts, hoping the best and brightest for you and your loved ones. As someone who suffered through postpartum depression with my first child, I recently read a quote that I wish I had seen years ago. It brought me comfort somehow, even all these years later, and so it made me think of you:

"The most difficult part of birth is the year afterwards. It is the year of travail - when the soul of a woman must birth the mother inside of her. The emotional labor pains of becoming a mother are far greater than the physical pangs of birth; these are the growing surges of your heart as it pushes out selfishness and fear and makes room for sacrifice and love. It is a private and silent birth of the soul, but it is no less holy than the event of childbirth, perhaps it is even more sacred." - Joy Kusek

Your mother and father-in-law are also in my thoughts...I hope that their health has stabilized, maybe improved, something, anything. I'm sending as much positive energy as I can to you and your entire family. I can only hope that your darkest times are over, and you are all in a better place right now.

Blessings and love to you all.